The 3rd of July

I stepped barefoot onto my balcony and became surrounded in this beautiful orangish-gold glow as the sun made its evening decent. As I sat down, I carefully ripped open the paper around my ice cream cone. It dripped down my hand the same way it did when I was five. And...I licked it off the same way I did when I was five.

"What a..." I almost said "What a day" but instead I finished it in "...life". "What a life" I said. I admired the flowers that I had planted in my little outdoor garden and continued enjoying my ice cream cone. It was a Thursday evening...the 3rd of July.

The morning started at 7 am when I was awakened by a phone call from my boyfriend. I love waking up to him. I was barely conscious but I didn't care because I had his voice in my ear. Our call ended as I crept out of bed and quickly dressed to go take my final exam for my Political Science class. My phone rang again...my boyfriend again. "I forgot to tell you something! I love you" he said. And...I smiled.

Coffee was on my mind as I started my car. "Coffee time!" I stopped on my way to school for a nice hot cup of coffee and was ready to complete my summer semester. The exam went great. I finished early, thanked the professor and headed back out through the doors into the sunlight. I decided to celebrate my own success and treated myself to breakfast at a little outdoor garden cafe a couple of miles away. An omelet and potatoes and a big glass of fresh orange juice. I looked around and realized that I was surrounded in beauty. The courtyard had two fountains and a small waterfall...brick pathways...vines...flowers...it was gorgeous. Life was amazing. Everything surrounding me was great but something inside of me was...well...was not great. I could not put my finger on it.

It started about a month ago. These feelings. I finished my Spring semester and had earned grades that I was happy with. I was one step closer to finishing something I had started and taken for granted 7 years ago. But things were different now. I realized that I was incredibly focused. So focused that it was almost scary. I knew where I was in life...where I had been...and where I wanted to go. Everything was amazing. I had met some new girlfriends that I had been spending time with...work was great. I had been saving money. I loved paying my bills each payday and having money left over to put in the bank. I got a phone call from work asking me to travel to Texas to train some new employees. I was thrilled. Wow...me...traveling for my company...! It's something I had always wanted to do. I got my corporate credit card in the mail and the following day I found myself on a plane to Texas. Everything was just going so perfect...too perfect.

Wait...! Why me? Why is everything so incredibly amazing? I looked back over the past twelve months and realized how much I had grown and how I've taken myself up this staircase called life. Things that I had been waiting for were now happening and it made me feel extremely...uncomfortable?

Weird that great things would make me feel uncomfortable. I tried to explain it...I tried to put the feelings into words but I had a difficult time.

Another great thing happened...my company asked me to possibly go to the Philippines for 4 months to train more people. Wow...the Philippines? I love to travel and this was the perfect opportunity to get away for awhile and to come back with a great addition to my resume.

I was overloaded with all of these wonderful opportunities and yet...I was...uneasy. I continued seeking an explanation for my feelings but I could not find one. I could only think of this...

I was on this staircase going up several floors and I became weary because the stairs seemed to go no where. There were even times I would go up a flight of stairs and find myself a floor lower than I was before. It made no sense. So...I stopped. I stood on one particular stair for so long that I became comfortable with my little stair. I knew how it felt below my feet. I knew exactly how much room I had to stand on. I could turn around and I already knew what my view was like from that particular stair. And then it happened. I took a step...one step up and then another. As I moved up...stair by stair...I found myself in a new place...on a new stair that I had never been on before. It didn't feel the same below my feet...the view was different...it was something new and exciting and yet I was...afraid. Of what? I wasn't sure. Maybe failure...maybe the possiblity that it was temporary...or maybe it was the fact that I was becoming the person I wanted to be but convinced myself that I couldn't.

I took the last bite of my ice cream cone and the golden glow slowly faded as the sun decended behind the trees. I gathered some pieces of wood and piled them into my little terracota firepit and gently lit a match. I sat down right next to the fire and watched the flames magically dance around. I loved the smell of burning wood. It reminded of roasting marshmallows as a child when we used to go camping.

As I became hyptnotized by the flames, I thought about my 3rd of July "Wow what a simply amazing..." I almost wanted to say "day" but instead I said "life". "What an amazing life."

I could not be frightened by success. It would be different...my life. I would do better than I had imagined but I would not be afraid of change.

"What a life" I thought...and I stayed there until the fire died down on the 3rd of July.